Cause it's Friday, you ain't got no...[When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought]
And they said there’s no such thing as an 8-pack.
[Next time you will make out]
The next time I accidentally overspend at BCBG. More specifically, right around April 14 when the credit card bill arrives.
[Favorite planet]
Well, of all the planets I’ve visited, I’m going to have to go with you’re an idiot. OK, maybe that’s not a planet per se, but it is accurate.
[Who is the second person on your missed calls list]
My old friend Unknown Caller. We always seem to miss each other.
[What is your favorite ring tone on your phone]
A little something called ‘Cingular Tune’. Of all the only one tone that was conveniently preset when I got it that’s definitely my favorite. And oddly, is the only tone nobody else seems to have.
[What shirt are you wearing right now]
I’m not. Oh la la. This here is called a dress.
[What do you label yourself as]
Better than you.
[Brand of shoes you are wearing]
Steve Madden. And it’s a good thing, as it happened that two more pairs of Steve Madden’s arrived a la UPS this morning. They were able to make them feel right at home when they got here.
[Bright or dark room]
Depends, did I just walk in to it?
[What do you think about the person who last took this]
Funny, I was actually just mentioning how weird it is that
she and I haven’t actually been shopping together before. You think you know someone…
[If you’re alone in a room with 2 beds, which one do you sleep on]
Both. Right after I have the cabana boy or bellhop, or both, push them together.
[Best song in the world]
Does this matter? My answer will change tomorrow. And will still be right.
[What’s a word you say a lot]
‘A’. And probably ‘the’. ‘Venti’ is a close third though.
[Last furry thing you touched]
This is not that kind of blog, thank you very much.
[How many drugs have you done in the past 5 days]
Well this would be Mon – Fri, so none.
[How many rolls of film do you need to get developed]
The only pics I take that develop do so in about 2 minutes right in my hand. For good reason.
[Favorite age you have been so far]
25. Maybe 26 will be a good year, I’ll let you know.
[Your worst enemy]
Credit limits.
[Last thing you said to someone]
I’ve got far too much on my plate as it is to turn
that around today too. And the last thing I though to myself was…what with this here survey needing to be knocked out and all.
[If the person you were talking to on the phone was getting shot at, what would you do]
Probably just ‘mmmhmmmm’ and ‘yeah’ to anything I heard as if I was listening to them in the first place. Besides, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I’m on the
phone…
[Do you do the games in the ads on Myspace]
If I’m on myspace it’s pretty much a guarantee I’m not doing anything that requires even the most remote amount of brain activity. Unless cultivating surveys from people’s posts is using brain power.
[Favorite pj’s]
Onesies. Can't beat 'em with a stick. Well, you could I suppose, but it's not really going to do anything. Unless someone's wearing them at the time. And in my neighborhood, people get killed for that kind of shit.
[What do you do when you pass graveyards]
I, uh, pass them. What the hell am I supposed to do? Stop and ponder? Throw a penny and make a wish? Hold my breath so I don’t breathe in any spirits? Which, btw, for all you breath holders, if spirits were really trying to be all up in your shit do you really think they’d come up to your body and be all like "Dammit! This chick is holding her breath too! Wtf? Who the hell told all the mortals about this?"
[How old do you think you’ll live to be]
Based on my aging process thus far, 25.
[Five things you want to do in your lifetime]
Been there, done that, tried it on, loved it, bought it.
[What do you put on your hamburgers]
Sometimes ceviche, if it’s lunch time. Always avocado. Hold the hamburger either way.
[Do you eat raw hot dogs]
I don’t eat lips, hooves, and assholes. Heated or raw.
[How much salad dressing do you put on your salad]
Lettuce is merely a vessel used to transport dressing from the bowl to my mouth. Ain’t that right,
LFC?
On bathrobes and murder...Not much new and exciting to report. Except that I won the neighborhood pool about one of our neighbors. What did I bet? $20 that he was the epitome of 'he was always so quiet'. Ie. - I presume to enter his home is not to exit from it. For serious y'all, I'm not even being incredibly charming, sexy, and witty this time. I have even been documenting the complete bizarreness of this neighbor to
LFC and a few other incredibly well fashioned ladies for quite a while, long before it became news worthy.
I actually placed my bet when he moved in a year ago and I met him for the first time. When he was outside walking his dog in a small, what appeared to be a woman's, bathrobe. I should have increased my wager when I caught him digging in my garbage can about a month ago. But instead, silly me, I just called the police - again - because not only do I not appreciate a man in a completely unattractive robe on my property going through by discards, but also, oh! the ongoing stench that surrounds this person, his home, and thus my attached home two doors down.
This little tidbit here only scratches the surface of how bizarre this all is, and has been. Why, they don't even mention the apparent kidnapping attempt, ant killer used, missing roommate...much less the completely
fabulous dress I happened to have on when Fox and ABC came a knockin'. Weird...
Just another excuse to feel me up...Five minutes trapped in line at Target...
OMG! How are you?
Oh, um, hey (person that looks kind of vaguely familiar)…I don’t know think I’m supposed to know this, but I heard you’re pregnant! That’s awesome, congratulations!
Mmmmhmmm, it’s a good thing you mentioned it then, huh?What do you mean?
I mean, who told you? I’d like to know who I can’t trust.Oh, I, ummmm…..shoot, I…I’m just messing with you, it’s ok. At some point people are going to notice I spilled a small child and it keeps following me around everywhere.Ok, are you sure? Because she…
Yes. Obviously I told people. Otherwise they wouldn't have known and told you.Oh, yeah. I guess so.So anyway, I’ve gotta get going here, maybe I’ll see you around or something. (Incredibly clever attempt to drop conversation, what with her being behind me in the checkout line and all. Honestly though, it usually works. Try it some time. Then watch carefully as they slowly figure out you're both still there.)
Ooohh, wait! I want to feel your baby bump.Oh, um, that’s ok. Thanks though.Hang on!No, there’s really no bump or anything yet. (Reaches for me) Seriously, I’m only, like, 4 months, there’s nothing to…and you’re touching me.*Squeal* Ooohh, I Iove babies. You’re so lucky! You know, if I was pregnant right now then we’d both be pregnant! At the same time!You don’t say. So I’m just going to…
*Gasp* I just felt it kick! Oh my god, hold still, it’s kicking!No, it’s not.
Yes! Oh my gosh!No, I promise you it’s not. See how my stomach is pretty much flat? This thing is only like 4 inches long, it’s not physically possible for me to feel it do anything, much less you. (What a perfect setup for a 'that's what she said' reply, no?)Oh yeah, well what’s this little bit of a bump here then?A foot long Philly Cheese Steak with extra onions.
Uh huh, suuure. I know I felt it move.Seriously, you don’t need to keep touching my stomach. (steps back)Well wait a second, I know what I felt. (reaching for my stomach again)Look, I’m not trying to be rude here, but the whole touching me thing can stop now.Well, then how do you explain it kicking… (again with the hand coming at me)Actually, I don’t need to explain anything.No, I’m sure I felt it…You didn’t feel a kick, Cheese Steaks give me gas. Is that ok? Is there something else you want to tell me about what’s inside my own body? Or is this all just a weak excuse to keep touching me?Oh, well excuuuse me. You know, you don’t have to share ALL your information with everyone. Seriously, I really don’t need to know about your digestion problems.Are you sure? Because you seem like you need proof or something. What with all the telling me I’m wrong and touching me.(Insulted look)No really, give me your hand again. (reaching for hand) Yeah, but put it riiiight here instead, I can prove it.Ok, well now you’re just embarrassing yourself.No really, that’s the best place if you want feel it "kick" again. Let me just show you here…
What is wrong with you? (takes her cart to another line)Cashier – I would never even know you're pregnant.I’m not. I don’t even know who that is.
Are you serious?
Maybe you should let security know to keep an eye on her. Just to be safe or whatever.
Excuses, reasons, and justifications...I’m sure you’ve all been staying up nights fretting over what the hell is so damn important I could possibly be dragged away from my beloved pastime of insulting, belittling, disrespecting, and generally singing my own praises by comparison to the general public’s incapacity to meet my standards. Or even
dress themselves
properly. And there’s no doubt you’ve longed for run-on sentences that take two breaths to complete and require being read back to yourself, aloud, to make any sense of as well. Normally I wouldn’t feel overly compelled, if inclined at all, to explain my actions to anyone. But since in this case it means talking about myself, turns out it’s your lucky day…
Part 1 –
Pooh and Kitty have been very ill. It’s pure coincidence this occurred at the same time, life is just fun that way. Sadly, we lost Kitty in December. After much deliberation Mr. Fefa decided he was ready for a new cat because hey, who doesn’t want something to just walk around the house and occasionally spit up on things? So off to Petco we went, and returned with…
two cats. Normally I would have fought this, but on this particular adoption Sunday they were offering a two for the price of one deal. Which, is a good deal, so two cats it is. He’s even gone so far as to actually name these two; ‘Ricky Bobby’ and ‘Goddamnit!’.
Pooh, on the other hand, was able to be saved for the nominal fee of 25 brand new pairs of boots. And counting. And if you’ve been here before, you can imagine what that tune sounds like. The good news is, she’s worth more than 25 pairs of boots - to me. And I’m masterfully adept at the art of financial masquerading to cover such expenditures. Let’s not kid ourselves here and act as if 25 pairs of boots wouldn’t have mysteriously appeared in fefa’s closet this past boot season otherwise. The bad news is, of course, 25 pairs of boots did not magically appear in fefa’s closet this boot season.
Appendage B – Work. Enough said.
Scene 3 – Over the past few months here I’ve taken on a rather large project. One that is both all consuming and life changing. I’ve dedicated myself to building an actual, real live, human being. It turns out it’s pretty expensive to just commission one, and it would totally impact my allowance, so I decided to just go ahead and get my own hands dirty. Or some other parts I’m not going to tell you about without you putting the money on the dresser first. So how about that, in addition to having impeccable taste and hair beyond words, I’ll bet you had no idea I was also capable of creating an actual human being, cell by cell, underneath a set of rock hard abs, did you? Sometimes, I even impress myself. Seriously, I could have been a rocket surgeon.
Not for the timid...Supposedly this survey, drafted by a friend of fefa's, is not for the timid. It is however, apparently, for the incontinent. Or something. Either way, I'm sure you'll enjoy filling it out yourself and sharing it with friends and family, just like fefa.
PS - How are you? OMG, it's totally been so long! I know, like months and stuff! I've had a lot of insulting, offensive, and as always incredibly sexy and intriguing things to share over these past months, but circumstances that are none of your business have prevented me from doing so. What I mean by that is I'll totally tell you all about it later, when
she's not here. But until then, let's get back to our roots and start things off with a stupid survey...
1-Have you ever crapped in your undies (even just a little)? No I'm not talking about when you were a baby.
Even just a little? Is there some sort of acceptable amount I am totally not aware of? What really disturbs me though, is questioning what made you think of this question. Also, NO.
2-If the answer is yes, were you able to fix it immediately or did you have to cope with it for a while?
How do you ‘fix’ crapping in your undies? Unless you’re near a shower, a fresh pair of panties, and a new bottle of self respect and dignity. In which case, you couldn’t make it to the toilet? Why are you my friend again?
3-Do you have a sexual fantasy that made you re-evaluate whether you were sane?
No, but it made me re-evaluate whether they were.
4- What is it?
I can’t believe I’m going to write this. OK, a long sexy foot rub, while eating double-stuf oreos, watching 90210 reruns, and flipping through the new issue of Lucky during scenes with Andrea. And then, just after Brenda gets all hot tempered and storms out of a scene…you go handle your own business, I’ve got important shit to finish here.
5- Do you like pain?
Depends, what's your budget?
6-Do you get off at least once a day? 4 times a week?
First off, there are 7 days in a week. Personally though, I get off 5 days a week. At 5pm.
7- Do you prefer doing that to having sex?
Absolutely!
8- Ladies? Do you OWN porn?
Don’t have to.
9- Fellas? Why do you own SO MUCH porn?
Can I venture a guess here? Because they have to.
10- While talking to strangers or people you know do you find your mind straying to what if's?( i.e. What would they do if I kissed them? What would happen if I hit them in the jaw right now?)
I don’t talk to strangers. Or take candy from them. Or help them look for their lost puppy.
If I’m talking to someone I do know though, odds are I’m watching carefully to see if it appears your mind is straying when you should obviously be completely intrigued by my story about the new boots I just bought, and how totally cute they are. Especially compared to those ankle boot eyesores you’re wearing, you fat cow. Seriously, at least cover up those kankles with a knee high. Ooohh, are we paying attention now?
11- Are you co-dependant?
Only when I can’t afford it myself.
12-Are you happy?
Compared to someone who is considering what a reasonable amount of defecation one may carry in their undies is, yes.
13- If the answer is no, what have you done today to fix it? If the answer is yes, why are you happy?
Because I have a mirror. Seriously, have you seen this hair?
14- If your truest best friend whom you love so dear could only be saved if you blew your brains out with a forty-five. Would you do it? If the answer is yes, where would you put the barrel? If the answer is no.... Damn! Some bestfriend you are.
This sounds like it’s a one or the other sort of thing. And as such apparently this ‘friend’ wasn’t exactly owning up to their half of the necklace themselves. "Be Fri" my ass. You can take this "St Ends" and stick it where the sun don't shine.
15- If a scientist created a clone of you to exact detail would you have sex with the clone?
Um, I wouldn’t be able to. Because we would have the same parts, and…that’s all I’m going to explain to you.
16- Why are tupees ridiculous and those pony tail extensions are so damn popular?
They are both ridiculous. The never-actually-matches-the-hair-color ponytails are more popular because chicks don’t take the 2 seconds out of their day to check their ‘do’ from behind, whereas the road-kill men wear on their heads is visible from the front. Also, men are more interested in sex than they are telling women their hair looks bad, ass looks big, sister is hotter…
(For those of you still utilizing my previously posted "How To Guide’s For The Fashionable Gentleman/Woman", and I hope you are, please add these to the lists of offenses. If you are not up to date on such matters scroll through past posts. Immediately.)
17- Would you throw the switch to kill a convicted murderer?
No. They always do that shit when American Idol is on; obvious time conflict.
18- Do you believe that ugly people should tint their car windows?
Who the hell is giving ugly people cars? Gross.
20- Would you have sex with a cop in his squad car to get out of a DWI?
I wouldn’t have to.
On pregnancy and public toilets...In case you've ever wondered why it is so many people seek counsel and support from fefa and her worldly advice. In case you've ever wondered if behind closed doors chicks do, in fact, discuss thought provoking topics beyond flower arrangements, baking, and hair braiding. In case you've ever wondered what 'TMI' stands for. This post is dedicated to you...
fefa:Tell her not to freak out, it’s waaay too early for that. Even she says she shouldn’t be worried by her account, so stop stressing about it, it really will only make it worse.
The truth is all women are at least slightly concerned if they’re even one day late – this is due to a neurotic hormone called ‘estrogen’. While its purpose is purely to frustrate men, it does have an unfortunate side effect on women sometimes; we call this thinking. Or over-thinking, to be specific. To example:
Long before I was shacked up, hell, even when I was single and not getting any, if I was late I started worrying I was pregnant. What if it really can happen from a toilet seat? Why would a man be in the ladies jerking it on a toilet seat? Wouldn't he have had to do it, like, within minutes of me arriving and sitting down on said seat? Perhaps I need to rethink the manner in which I sit upon toilet seats. Do I want to have the child of a man who jerks it in the ladies? I mean, aside from that it also likely means he's into the whole golden shower thing, right? How am I going to find this man and make him buy me the dinner I should have gotten weeks ago? Maybe a classified? But wouldn't that get flagged as objectionable and removed? I mean, the specifics I would have to use would be pretty offending to some people. Why are people so uptight about experimentation anyway? But of course, every time I was just being silly. Obviously that tissue-paper seat cover is made to protect from things just like this, and a few days later my ladies days would arrive. And as thankful as I would be, I was still a little sad. It's so hard to meet decent guys in this town, you know? I just don't know why it never works out. Why does it always end like this?
She:
You know what grosses me out most about toilet seats? I mean, besides my new fear about guys going in there and pulling it all over the seats and inadvertently making me pregnant? The OTHER ladies going in there and peeing everywhere. WTF is up with that?? Is it because we're all hovering over the seat, instead of sitting down on it? Is that what's going on here? Because there's really nothing worse than carefully laying down your little tissue paper cover, only to have it soak up little puddles of pee left on the seat from some sloppy bitch before you. You don't want to sit down on that, even with the cover. It's not like the cover is impermeable, right? Germs get through transparent tissue paper, last time I checked. So you have to gingerly pick the cover off, flush it, wipe off SOMEONE ELSE'S PEE, and re-do the whole cover thing again, this time hoping it’s actually dry. They say guys are gross? WOMEN are gross. Proof? There's actually a little sign on the stall door in our bathroom here that says "Please...Flush Toilet". Seriously??? There was a big enough problem with non-flushing that you have to REMIND these dumb broads to flush the toilet? Were we raised in a barn? Do we not flush at home? WTF?
fefa:
I agree. What the hell is wrong with chicks? I don't have to do home bathroom checks to know for GODDAMN SURE women aren't peeing on their seats at home, not wiping it up if/when they do, leaving their business floating in the bowl, leaving long ass trails of toilet paper dangling from the roll and strewn across the dirty floor, and so on. And I'll put money on it none of them put nasty used pons they know for GODDAMN SURE won't flush down and will probably clog and then cause an overflow in their home toilets either. Something about being in a stall seems to make some chicks go crazy. Like they are suddenly in their own little bathroom frat house and anything goes! I mean, are they living out some sort of reckless bathroom fantasy in there? Have they always wanted to just get wild and urinate haphazardly? 'Common courtesy be damned! I'm going to pee all over this seat, damn it, and nobody can stop me! Then I'll pretend I didn't notice and tippie toe out before someone sees I was the last to leave this stall, and leave that for someone lesser than me to clean up. Muahaha!' Is that it? Is this like the only 'power' they have in their little lives? To pee on public seats and have someone else clean up behind them? Chicks disgust me.
Why so blue, Panda Bear?
You know it's Friday when this video forwarded by
Chevy turns into this email after I pass along the forward...
She:
OMG! That's SOOOOOO cute!!
Do you think it's a bad idea to keep a panda as a pet? I mean, it's not technically even an actual bear. I bet he'd get along great with my cat.fefa:
I know, I watched it like 20 times to achieve maximum cuteness. My only concern with getting a baby panda though, is how are we going to make sure he/she is always sort of sick so it will sneeze a lot? Maybe we can find one with allergies...
She:
Find one that's allergic to bamboo. Problem solved.
I've seen those pandas they've got down here at the Zoo, and they're only moderately amusing in person. I think you have to wait, like, 6 days for them to do something even remotely cute. The rest of the time they sleep on their faux tree branches like lazy assholes. Cute lazy assholes, but lazy assholes nonetheless.
OMG, what's wrong with me? I just referred to pandas as "lazy assholes".
Hahahahahah. I should delete it, but...nah.fefa:
Whatever. Panda's ARE assholes. Fuck them and their stupid black and whiteness. What are you, too good for color? Blow it out your ass panda bear. I hope you choke on that fucking bamboo stick. And stop calling yourself a bear, you god damn liar. If you're such a bear then tell me the last time you killed and ate a deer with your big bear claws and teeth. What's that? You like vegetation? Maybe we should call you a panda rabbit. How about that, you grass eating hippie. We didn't put up with the "Killer Whale" lies. He's a fucking Orca, and we call him a fucking Orca. All you black and white assholes can just get off your fucking elitist pedestals and kiss my perfectly proportioned pink ass. She:Right? The panda is a media machine, and a goddamned filthy liar! It's all a media machine for that money-grubbing no-good Zoo. Ooooh, panda cam! Panda flashlights, panda t-shirts, panda dildos! The pandas at the zoo even have their very own line assistant! This little old lady volunteers HER precious time to stand there hissing into this weird little microphone, giving minute-to-minute about the pandas' activities (there aren't any, you stupid old hag!), plus mind-numbingly boring factoids about how much they sleep, how much bamboo they eat, and how they're too stupid to have sex with each other like every other mammal, so the zoo has to artificially inseminate them. The little old lady will also hiss at you, furiously, to be quiet. Because the fucking pandas are trying to sleep. Really, lady? I mean, REALLY? You need us all to be quiet, standing here in this line like a bunch of morons to watch them...sleep some more? Fuck that, I'm going to be as loud as I can so maybe they'll wake up and do something interesting. Like maybe run a lap, or fight with another panda? They could at least be nice enough to eat part of that weird ice sculpture fruit salad their keepers give them. Seriously, now they're just being rude.
